Sunday, August 25, 2019

Ya ever had a squirrel caught in your zipper?

The thing is, I seldom think about where toothbrush bristles come from. 

I mean, why would you?  Life is like an aquarium filled with jello.  Sure, you could add a syringe full of 2 cycle oil, a chicken wing and/or a pair of brass knuckles to your massive volume of jello and then enter it in the science fair at the school down the street.  But when your kids don't attend that school, they rarely give you prizes and more frequently than not, Officer Tony just gives you another 90 day no-trespassing order. 

But where was I?  Oh yeah.  Kazakhstan.

The thing about toothbrush bristles is, what if they are all just plucked from the brooms of infamous strip clubs and assorted other jerk joints, and then dyed white, and occasionally blue, and stuck onto the handle part. And come to think of it, what if the brush part is carved from the abandoned toilet brushes that are used at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on Independence Day Weekend each year? 

This is why we don't spend time thinking about where toothbrush bristles come from. Because if we did, we would likely go nuts. 

And not in a good way. 

Monday, February 09, 2015

We don't need no stinkin' badgers!

It's been several years since I learned of The Adventures of Poke and Furry. At first, my trips to Walden and Borders bookstores were daily.  Every trip rimmed with expectation, but ultimately chugged down with a mess of disappointment. Eventually I slipped to weekly bookstore visits, then monthly, and then in recent years I had basically forgotten about it.

But this morning on the bus, a nice homeless man whispered something very vulgar in my ear that reminded me of this book.  I yanked on the stop cord with such urgency that the driver let me off between stops. Then I walked up to where the bus I'd just exited had been headed, caught the next bus, and went straight to Walden Books. Little did I know they went bankrupt. So I went to Borders.  That is now occupied by a place that sells tiny sweaters and sombreros to hipsters with three legged ferrets. F that place.  I finally located a Barnes and Noble.  Literally dripping with anticipatory sweat, I burst through the doors and begged for some poke and furry.

Sadly, I was only offered another sloppy goblet of disappointment to chug down.

I understand the play that this blog was formed to promote may never happen, but don't deprive lonely people everywhere of their poke and furry.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Rhetorical questions for the ages

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't strapped all those fireworks to that Chihuahua if I would be out enjoying my Saturday rather than wasting it here in my court ordered anger management class.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


"Quit looking at my flower. I'll come and poke your eyes with my cane.
"This chair hurts my back. My no good son won't get me that nice, soft glider from Slumberland. He's just like his lazy father.
"My feet hurt and my hands hurt and I hate this yellow jumpsuit they make me wear.
"And it's lime Jell-o day today and I hate lime Jell-o.
"I'm thirsty...and cold and my head is sore because my pillow is too hard.
"They let robots in here at night to steal my pills and I've had it. I'm going to run away and I'm going to take this flower with me. And I'll hide my chair so they can't sit in it.
"I hate blue and I want this window shut but it's stuck. It's those robots...they stick these windows open and poison our birds with old pills. I miss Flappy--he used to come and sit in the windowsill and sing to me. One time he started singing and my soup fell into my lap and I had to get another yellow suit from the front desk and when I came back Chirpy was sitting in my chair.
"I have crumbs stuck in my wrinkles and I think there are ants in there trying to eat the crumbs, and the crumbs hurt and so do the ants.
"The bag boy at the food store is a little na'er-do-well. I think some of his long hair fell into my sack of bananas. I have to have my bananas mushed up and mixed with water because they are too sharp and spicy. My gums started bleeding once and the dentist wouldn't see me because I don't have any teeth."

Thursday, February 28, 2008


It's all in the details. . . .

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wait a Minute...We Still Have a Blog?

I guess we do, and apparently it is my turn to say something of value to all of you 2' x 4' fans out there who have been demanding an update. So let's grind up some cabbage and get this salad underway.

Friday's coming up and there is a standing challenge to anyone who reads this to break my current record of eating 7 McDonald's Filet-o'-Fish in under 2 hours. As far as I know there are no long-term negative health risks/benefits to doing this. You will consume approximately 2,660 calories and should be good on Vitamin A for a bit. You may also suffer from a slight fish hangover. If you are suffering from an alcohol hangover, the effects of the fish may cause this problem to linger. Throwing up the next day does not help. Unless by help you mean make yourself sweat profusely and want another blanket. In that case, it does help.

If you should order more than 35 fish sandwiches, make certain that your order is correct. I got fucked over on the double fish. They slipped some land-fish (cow) meat in there instead. No one wants that shit. Good Luck.

Friday, June 29, 2007

String Theory This 'Ain't

...Sometimes when you are experimenting with hydrochloric acid and tree frogs, things go terribly wrong. Case in point this morning. I will save you the details, other than to say that I hope my garbage man doesn't read this post, as my garbage can is chock full of frog slurry (and not mutant pogo frogs as I had hoped). I guess I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.

..Speaking of lumber, sometimes when you are making stuff with boards, it doesn't turn out as you would like. I was trying to make this wicked tree fort the other day, and in the end, it just started looking like a giant spice rack. So, I bought a bunch of garbage cans and put them in my new huge tree spice rack. One has sand in it. One has gravel. Yet another has water, but it is leaking. My neighbors laugh at me, but when they 36 gallons of sand, who will be laughing then?

...I once told a kid that his cat had run away, when I knew full well that it was in my microwave. That stupid bastard wandered around the neighborhood yelling for fluffy for hours and days. Whenever he was near the house looking for the cat, it would scratch with renewed fervor in an effort to be noticed. But I would not let it out. Finally my desire to eat Spahgetti-o's trumped my desire to run a small cat prison.

...I wonder if Paul Harvey ever gets tired of knowing the rest of the story. Just once I want to hear that old bastard say that he has no idea what became of the kid in Oklahoma who grew up dreaming of being a Vegas showgirl.

...The best part about going to baseball games is when the players accidentally drop their wallets when they are leaving the stadium. Whenever that happens, I drink top shelf booze until that wallet is empty. Then I return it and demand a reward. And then I drink top shelf booze again.

Monday, June 25, 2007


Due to popular demand and without further ado:

May 1, 1775

Benjamin Franklin brings Furry & Poke to France to help elicit support for the growing battle for American Independence. Upon landing (this man famous for his nudist philosophy shows up wearing nothing but bifocals, a coon-skin cap and a cane--that he had apparently flogged himself with during the long journey from Philadelphia) Franklin feinted and was brought to a doctor well-known for treating various STDs at the time. He was the talk of Paris for most of that evening. During the hubbub Franklin became separated from his attire. Ben decided to start a door to door search to find his companions. He stumbled out of bed and went the first house he saw. It was a brothel. He went into the madam's room and discovered that she was not alone. The king of France was sitting on a "throne" adorned with Furry and Poke. His crown and scepter being used for other purposes in the house.

Franklin stood (still nude) in the doorway and coughed gently to announce his entrance; eyes squinted and hands on hips to communicate his displeasure. All three broke down laughing and the King told Franklin that of course he could count on France's support in the new war, also that he should put some clothes on. Did I mention that Furry & Poke invented Crème Brûlée on the same trip? Well they did.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My brain fart turned into explosive mental diarrhea

Sometimes when I am trying to pry the screen window off of some unsuspecting schmuck's suburban home, I get to thinking about what life would be like if I had decided to follow in my dad's footsteps and entered the work-a-day world. The alarm clock in my hand, which I can only guess is one of those fancy ones that plays soothing ocean sounds or crap like that says 8:12, which, if it were in the morning, would be about the time my dad heads off to work every day. How does he do it? He would have to work for a month to collect the amount of cool stuff I am going to pull out of this place tonight. And I will get it all for less than an hour's work, casing included.

My friend T.J. who is in jail right now for burglary may have a different take on things, but if he hadn't passed out in the neighbor's crib after a five day bender hopped up on goofballs, he probably wouldn't have ever been caught. They called it robbery because he kicked in the front door, stole a bunch of stuff and carried it next door before he fell asleep. If you ask me, he just got screwed over by a rookie public defender who probably couldn't even plea bargain his way out of jury duty on a case he was trying.

Really. You want to talk about theives. Look at those bastards. They write up a lot of paperwork, go to fancy meetings and dinners and stuff, and then they charge a ton of money to let people they don't like talk to them. Imagine if the rest of us could charge people we don't like to talk to us. I could go to one family reunion and make enough just there to retire in Branson.

All bowling alley tales aside, I really do like the smell of a pizza right out of the pizza oven. Microwaving pizza just isn't the same. I also like rented shoes. But that is a whole nother story that needs to be told sometime when my dogs aren't barking. Those three won't shut up. They just run around the yard all moronolly as if they are actually looking for solid objects to run into. Sometimes it is fun to put tape over their eyes and watch them run around like demolition derby dogs.

Speakin' of demolition derby, Rusty down the junk yard finally found me a door for my '67 Chevelle. The door is technically for an El Camino, but he said that with some torchin' and some poundin' it could be made to fit into the gaping hole where my door once was before Eli took it. He claimed I owed him money for a bunch of candy bars I bought off his kid, but seriously, who just up and takes a car door as payment? Apparently Eli. That's who.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Interneting: More Than Just Un-re-un-re-gripping

The computer problems of my co-moderator have been quite fascinating to read about; and I'm sure that is what accounts for all the recent hits to this site. I'd like to get back to something with a little depth. There's been a lot of fan mail pouring in about The Wacky Misadventures of Furry and Poke. I appreciate all of the interest these beloved characters have generated in American History. I am currently in talks to bring our two heroes to the big screen. As of this writing, I've been a little hesitant to say anything because of all the offers I've rejected (as I will undoubtedly reject the current offer). I don't want to see some bastardized version of these symbols of the indomitable American spirit. There are many stories yet to unfold for this persistent duo.

One such adventure, I just happened to have run across, comes from an early reference to our friends having something to do with the legend of Johnny Appleseed. While it is true that John Chapman traveled the countryside planting nurseries, all references to Furry and Poke have been mysteriously deleted...until now. Planting seeds was a cover for some of the unusual sexual practices that Mr. Chapman engaged in while visiting various brothels during his travels. It would seem that Furry and Poke were often used as "props" to put the ladies at ease if you catch my meaning. Despite the name, Poke was never used as a phallus. Johnny would prance around in the all-together twirling Poke while tickling his companion's fancy parts with the tail end of Furry.

While neither Furry, nor Poke ever complained, this practice soon grew tiresome. It's been noted that the two had a way with the fairer sex, but one can only scratch a scab so many times before the skin begins to lose sensation. One night while Johnny was practicing for a late night encounter Furry and Poke were able to convince a towel boy at the brothel to send them by Pony Express to Philadelphia. It is there they relayed the stories of Johnny Appleseed, leaving out some of the more graphic details. Over the years the legend of Johnny's seed became jumbled to only include the apples we associate with him today.

We all apparently owe quite a debt to Furry & Poke. A pair of rugged individualists who I, quite honestly, thought I had made up. As my research continues I'll be sure to share the real version of American History that unfolds. We really need to get some of these history textbooks revised, so that we can begin to get a sense of ourselves; and not learn our nation's history from some version created by committees of Southern Rednecks in the pockets of the Daughters of the Confederacy.

Friday, September 22, 2006

How funny, my e-mail address is

So, like this site has been running really poorly on my computer lately, and, combined with my above-par apathy, I just haven't done my best to keep up. But then you have a night like I had last night, and it becomes crystal clear in your head that this is what blogs are for. The night I had last night would keep most mortal bloggers in material for weeks, but I will try to limit myself to this one entry, and perhaps I will do some follow-up in the comments section.

The night started out as ordinary as any night. I had a work function I had to go to, and so begrudgingly, I did that. Nothing terribly exciting about the event. Lots of people there. There was a keg of beer, but it was Summitt, and I HATE Summitt, so I was not overly enthused. I talked to some people about some stuff. Then, later on in the night, I went home and went to bed.

Can you believe I managed to fit all of that stuff into one action packed night? That's more social activity than most bloggers fit into an entire month.

Suck it you boring bloggers.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Pope's email address is:

Speaking of whatever the hell all that last post was about...

The readers of this blog will be happy to know that I am now an inspiration to a guy who had a stroke. Not an old guy either. He made it a point to walk over and tell me. Never you mind the boring details, but that makes a shit load of people who know I'm awesome. I would've told him, but he probably knew that too. I didn't want to be bothered; but I just couldn't bring myself to tell a stroke victim to piss off. So I acted like something got my attention out the window and walked away. Speaking of acting, I still plan to get back to the reason for this post--the 2" x 4" scene that has the theater world gang-banging itself. I'm just waiting for the last moderator to check his damn email so we can move this little blog into spotlight.

Apropos of nothing, it's probably time we addressed this...

I made that. Go ahead, click it, then make it bigger, then take a real good look. It's a fucking sandwich. If you're lucky, one day you'll eat a sandwich that good, but I doubt it. Please feel free to comment on the lame shit you eat and then I'll delete your post.

Also, back to my idea for The Wild Adventures of Furry and Poke:

I was thinking that they could be the ones who chopped down the Cherry Tree right after they molested a young George Washington. He gets Stockholm Syndrome or some shit and takes the blame. Then he passes the hat and stick along to some other lame ass.

I guess the 2" x 4" will have to wait.

Alan Fine LOVES white men

So, I updated my profile today to keep pace with Slappy Internet. Not wanting to steal his ideas or whatnot, I did mine before reading his. All I can say is, compared to mine, his is quite incomplete. I mean, really. As that famous country band once sang, "If you're gonna play on the intenet, you gotta have a fiddle in the band" But I think they would be in favor of a more in depth profile for the founder of what promises to be one of the internets most ________ blogs.

I'll come back and fill in that hole later. (Is that a great porn line or what?)

Monday, September 18, 2006

Garden Hoses

So, on Sept. 18, I finally logged onto this site as an administrator, and all I can say is, it is TWICE as awesome as I thought it would be.

The way the words go straight from my keyboard to everyone in the entire world. well, that's damn skippy cool. I mean, somewhere, right now, some Sri Lankan fucker is probably reading this and thinking how smart I am, and at the exact same time, some hot chick is having sex with some guy who once beat up a kid for having a blog.

I mean, what could be cooler than that?

Gripping the One-Piece of Destiny

While talking about the Lewis & Clark journals with a friend, we hit upon a concept that I'd like to develop a little further here. I propose a cartoon that features a coon-skinned cap and a walking stick that belonged to Lewis and or Clark. And did I mention that they can talk? Well they can. They'd get passed around from one famous early American to another, and they'd tell the stories of all kinds of famous events from their own perspectives...

Like flying a kite with Benjamin Franklin, crossing the Delaware with General Washington, or even watching Betsy Ross masturbate with a wooden fist. They would have the I.Q. of about an 8-year-old, and be inquisitive as hell. They'd be narrating shit and waiting to get passed along at the end of each episode. Kind of like Quantum Leap, but the cap and stick are not quite as big of pussies as that Star Trek guy. Also for some reason, they'd like women.

The show could be called The Adventures of Furry and Poke. And I could sell the episodes to Church groups who have a lot of home-schooled kids.