Friday, June 29, 2007

String Theory This 'Ain't

...Sometimes when you are experimenting with hydrochloric acid and tree frogs, things go terribly wrong. Case in point this morning. I will save you the details, other than to say that I hope my garbage man doesn't read this post, as my garbage can is chock full of frog slurry (and not mutant pogo frogs as I had hoped). I guess I should have paid more attention in chemistry class.

..Speaking of lumber, sometimes when you are making stuff with boards, it doesn't turn out as you would like. I was trying to make this wicked tree fort the other day, and in the end, it just started looking like a giant spice rack. So, I bought a bunch of garbage cans and put them in my new huge tree spice rack. One has sand in it. One has gravel. Yet another has water, but it is leaking. My neighbors laugh at me, but when they 36 gallons of sand, who will be laughing then?

...I once told a kid that his cat had run away, when I knew full well that it was in my microwave. That stupid bastard wandered around the neighborhood yelling for fluffy for hours and days. Whenever he was near the house looking for the cat, it would scratch with renewed fervor in an effort to be noticed. But I would not let it out. Finally my desire to eat Spahgetti-o's trumped my desire to run a small cat prison.

...I wonder if Paul Harvey ever gets tired of knowing the rest of the story. Just once I want to hear that old bastard say that he has no idea what became of the kid in Oklahoma who grew up dreaming of being a Vegas showgirl.

...The best part about going to baseball games is when the players accidentally drop their wallets when they are leaving the stadium. Whenever that happens, I drink top shelf booze until that wallet is empty. Then I return it and demand a reward. And then I drink top shelf booze again.

Monday, June 25, 2007


Due to popular demand and without further ado:

May 1, 1775

Benjamin Franklin brings Furry & Poke to France to help elicit support for the growing battle for American Independence. Upon landing (this man famous for his nudist philosophy shows up wearing nothing but bifocals, a coon-skin cap and a cane--that he had apparently flogged himself with during the long journey from Philadelphia) Franklin feinted and was brought to a doctor well-known for treating various STDs at the time. He was the talk of Paris for most of that evening. During the hubbub Franklin became separated from his attire. Ben decided to start a door to door search to find his companions. He stumbled out of bed and went the first house he saw. It was a brothel. He went into the madam's room and discovered that she was not alone. The king of France was sitting on a "throne" adorned with Furry and Poke. His crown and scepter being used for other purposes in the house.

Franklin stood (still nude) in the doorway and coughed gently to announce his entrance; eyes squinted and hands on hips to communicate his displeasure. All three broke down laughing and the King told Franklin that of course he could count on France's support in the new war, also that he should put some clothes on. Did I mention that Furry & Poke invented Crème Brûlée on the same trip? Well they did.