Thursday, September 28, 2006

Interneting: More Than Just Un-re-un-re-gripping

The computer problems of my co-moderator have been quite fascinating to read about; and I'm sure that is what accounts for all the recent hits to this site. I'd like to get back to something with a little depth. There's been a lot of fan mail pouring in about The Wacky Misadventures of Furry and Poke. I appreciate all of the interest these beloved characters have generated in American History. I am currently in talks to bring our two heroes to the big screen. As of this writing, I've been a little hesitant to say anything because of all the offers I've rejected (as I will undoubtedly reject the current offer). I don't want to see some bastardized version of these symbols of the indomitable American spirit. There are many stories yet to unfold for this persistent duo.

One such adventure, I just happened to have run across, comes from an early reference to our friends having something to do with the legend of Johnny Appleseed. While it is true that John Chapman traveled the countryside planting nurseries, all references to Furry and Poke have been mysteriously deleted...until now. Planting seeds was a cover for some of the unusual sexual practices that Mr. Chapman engaged in while visiting various brothels during his travels. It would seem that Furry and Poke were often used as "props" to put the ladies at ease if you catch my meaning. Despite the name, Poke was never used as a phallus. Johnny would prance around in the all-together twirling Poke while tickling his companion's fancy parts with the tail end of Furry.

While neither Furry, nor Poke ever complained, this practice soon grew tiresome. It's been noted that the two had a way with the fairer sex, but one can only scratch a scab so many times before the skin begins to lose sensation. One night while Johnny was practicing for a late night encounter Furry and Poke were able to convince a towel boy at the brothel to send them by Pony Express to Philadelphia. It is there they relayed the stories of Johnny Appleseed, leaving out some of the more graphic details. Over the years the legend of Johnny's seed became jumbled to only include the apples we associate with him today.

We all apparently owe quite a debt to Furry & Poke. A pair of rugged individualists who I, quite honestly, thought I had made up. As my research continues I'll be sure to share the real version of American History that unfolds. We really need to get some of these history textbooks revised, so that we can begin to get a sense of ourselves; and not learn our nation's history from some version created by committees of Southern Rednecks in the pockets of the Daughters of the Confederacy.

1 comment:

Your Mother said...

Slappy-

Your father just told me about this silly little blog that you started, and all I can do is beg you to stop. Just because you are a member of congress from Florida doesn't mean that you can just use the internet to write sexy stories like this in the hopes of seducing young boys. Please knock it off. You're creeping me out (and that comes from someone who sees your father naked most days)

-Mom